The White List: Five Tips to Do When Interacting With White People

In high school, my father always told me in this point of your education high school is supposed to prepare you for the "real world." We'll he should get a refund check for his property taxes because I didn't learn a damn thing in high school. I want to thank the counseling department at Octorara High School for putting me in classes that was supposed to prepare me for college. Hence, I have dropped out twice.

But what I did learn going to those classes is how to be a successful oreo. I think that the purpose of being in the "college prep" classes was to observe white people and how they interact with my cousin and I: the only two black people in all my classes junior and senior year. So I want to give you five successful tips of how to interact with white people. 

1. The Use of Proper English

When talking with other minorities, unless from the suburbs, you would talk slang or what the Oakland School District called "Ebonics" back in the 90s. I cannot stress this point enough but, whatever you do DO NOT USE SLANG when conversing with white people. This conversation would have a couple outcomes. First, an awkward stare or a look of "I'm scared, here's my purse"(or wallet); secondly, the use of the word "ghetto", for example "Wow, you talk 'ghetto'"; finally, and the worst outcome, an open invitation to use slang. This is the worst because usually when words that are not in a Webster's Dictionary come out of their mouths they sound like a contemporary slave (picture Roots: the Next Generation).

2. The Use of the "N" Word

White people hate to be called racist. This is because they have a history of showing their "superiority" to other minorities. With historical moments like slavery and the Civil Rights Movement, white people feel uncomfortable with the word nigger or it's other variation, nigga. Thats why a lot of books that have the word in it are being revised. When using it in a sentence they say "N word." Sometimes, when your an acquantence, not a friend, of a white person they would say "What up 'Nword'. I didn't call you the actual word; I called you 'Nword'." Just say hello, hive five and walk away. White people love high fives.

Then you have the white people who use the "Nword" with little disregard that you are black. This is because they have a "black friend" or one of their relatives is black. If your in that position, give them permission to use the "Nword." Think of it as the black card you give away. But what you must do is set some boundaries, because they get carried away (see the ghetto white person). I have a lot of white friends, and I give permission for my friends to say nigga because I feel comfortable. However, the rules are if we were in areas outside of Downtown Lancaster or the F&M area; Washington DC or an NAACP meeting I strongly advise NOT using it.

3. Any Conversation Invovling Politics

When it comes to politics there are two types of white people: liberals and conservatives. A liberal a belief that government has to take a strong stance on social issues. Ususally, they are prochoice, enviornmentalist, drive a Ford Prius and listen to NPR or watch MSNBC. Conservatives are the opposite. On the otherhand, they believe in personal responsibility, strong American values, a free market, and listen to Rush Limbaugh or Fox News. 

When there is a discussion on politics, most people find it boring. With that being said if you don't know anything about a particular subject when you want to join in just say, "Thats interesting" or nod your head. This shows that you're engaged in the conversation without being in the conversation.

4. Offensive Comments or Questions

White people say the darnest things. They don't mean it though they are just so superior that they don't realize that they offend people. For instance when I was in high school I had a surprise look on my face when a white girl asked a black guy "AIDS are a big problem in Africa. (black guys name), do you have AIDS?" Sometimes when they are accused of being racsit a response would follow "I'm not racist. I let (insert a number less than 5) (insert minority race) people in my house." They don't realize that their justfication for not being racist is racist.

Even a complement can be construde as a racsit statement. For instance, I was in a class that I wasn't supposed to be in during high school because I was a transfer student. My teacher responded after reading a paper of mine,  "You know compared to the other African American students in class, you can actually write a convincing paper." This continued on during college. Whenever I would make an interesting point to a professor, sometimes I would get "Do you know you are a threat to the white majority?"  In this situation, if you have time you should ask them why is that so? They will respond that you know how to speak well or eloquently. If you don't, just say thank you and say goodbye. 

5. Music, Music or Television

White people like everything bland, especially their movies, music or television. For movies I cannot stress the fact that they love anything that is ironic. These movies include "Men who Stare at Goats", "Burn After Reading", or "Being John Malkovich."When it comes to movies they love anything with Will Ferrell and John C. Riely. This is because they love Saturday Night Live, especially the old days when he was on it. I don't find him funny and on Facebook I made the mistake of putting my status as "Will Ferrell, I don't find you funny." 100 defriends in about two minutes.

 If they are younger, add any Diablo Cody film to this list. Diablo Cody has taken our usage of every pop culture lexicon and thrown it back in our faces. Shes like Andy Warhol, but for movie scripts and television shows.  Movies like Juno and Jennifer's Body is not only feminist, but have created words like "honest blog," "Chesters" and my favorite "predator." Oh and be prepared to have them watch it twenty billion times to quote lines or memorize anything that is funny. This consists of hosting parties or having showings during holidays and creating scripts of things that you can yell back to the screen (Rocky Horror Picture Show). Whatever you do DO NOT take them to a showing of a movie like You Got Served. This encourages them to dance. Results not pretty.

Since shows like Seinfeld and Fraser  ended four score and seven years ago, white people found another niche in faux documentary shows. This includes shows like The Office and it's spinoff-nonspinoff Parks and Recreation, Curb Your Enthusiasm aka "Curb" and to a lesser extent Modern Family. This is because they have plots that white people like based on bland things.  This includes:

• Ironic humor  
• A barbershop quartet
• the cast dancing awkwardly and devoting a whole episode to it
• a few minority characters from India because they bring a "colorful" persona to the show
• The usage of "Thats what she said."
• And one gay guy (my personal favorite because I've been in situations by anyone in real life) who gets awkward comments like "I can't go to jail. But you can. You will like Jail." or have a straight guy kiss the gay guy to promote diversity. 

Finally, when it comes to music think independent. Things that no one listens too. For instance rap music. Whatever you DO NOT play any mainstream music unless it is Little Wayne. This I have no reasonable logic because he sucks and I don't waste my time figuring out why. But people like Common or Mos Def would be ideal. This is because they talk about deep stuff and basically poetry in musical form. Also, folk music works depending on the person, usually hipster. A group like Mumford and Sons and the Fleet Foxes or Arcade Fire would put you in the "Cultured Minority" of the what I like to call "File of Judgement."

However, if you don't have time to listen to independent music on Pandora,  the top hits from the 60s 70s and 80s usually work. Anything that is old or "vintage", they love. Some of these groups include Duran Duran, The Beegees, The Doors, anyone who died in the 27 Club, Journey and Genisis. The latter two words: Phil Collins. But you cannot go wrong with The Beattles, and their favorite album Abbey Road. DO NOT say that the Beattles are unoriginal. This will result in a defriend on Facebook or in the real world.

I hope these tips will help you.